Let's Talk: Suicide Awareness
I have had a topic for a blog post on my heart and mind for a couple months now but I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it for several reasons, all of which can be summed up with the word fear. Fear of not doing the topic justice, fear of what others may think, fear of literally nobody reading it or caring, and fear of putting myself out there in a very raw manner. (I have not had good experiences with being vulnerable and open with people.) But wherever I turn I come face to face with this topic, on the news, in articles, blogs, personal relationships, tv shows, et cetera. And I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me every time I run across another story involving this subject to sit down and start writing. Even if it can touch one person, then I have fulfilled my purpose in writing this. So without further ado let's just begin, shall we?
Suicide. That is the topic I have been feeling compelled to write about for months now. I heard this morning that suicide in America has risen by something like 33% since 1999 and that more than 47,000 Americans take their own lives every year. Every week I hear about another life gone too soon, or another person being admitted for suicidal thoughts or attempts. This tragedy is touching all groups of people and all the articles I read about how to help stop this is to start talking about it. So that's what I am doing.
I am absolutely no expert in this subject matter and I have no formal schooling in psychiatry so anything I say here comes from my own experiences and thoughts, nothing more nothing less. You see I have a history of anxiety and depression. It's something that runs in my family, on both sides. My battle with these relentless torturers began in elementary school, around the third grade. Long story short, I have always been "different" than the typical female and never felt like I fit in anywhere. (I later discovered in my 20s that I am an introvert! This revelation made so much difference in my life as I came to understand myself better and realize there are other people like me.) So here I was a quiet chubby child who didn't enjoy parties or big groups of people and didn't know another person who was like me, so in my adolescent mind, there was something wrong with me. This led to years of self-loathing and horrible self-esteem and an eating disorder in my teen years. Couple those feelings with being raised in a church environment where I felt like I had to be perfect in order for God to love me and that if I messed up he would punish me, I was a mess internally. This led me to some scary thoughts. Not so much that I wanted to kill myself, but I just didn't want to keep living with so much constant pressure and pain. I did get counseling and for the first time was able to see God as this loving and gracious God who loved me exactly like I was, all the flaws and imperfections and mess ups. Oh what freedom! Experiencing his amazing grace in such a real way for the first time was life changing and I remember promising him that if He ever blessed me with a daughter, Grace would be apart of her name. (My middle child's middle name is Grace!) This was not the last time I battled the darkness of depression, however. After I got married and had our first child, I developed Post Partum Depression. I remember the day my mom called the doctor to get me seen. I was trying to nurse my newborn with tears streaming down my face and I gazed without really seeing out the window. I remember the darkness of what was going through my mind. My mom took one look at me and made the call and my husband drove me. I began taking medication for PPD that day. I was able to come off those meds 6 months later. Skip ahead several years, and I found that while I no longer really had depression, I was struggling with daily generalized anxiety, and had been all my life really. I finally said, enough is enough and I cannot do this alone anymore. I sought help and was put back on some anxiety medication. That seemed to help for a while but alas my struggle wasn't over. (Spoiler alert, it's going to be a lifelong thing, one of those weaknesses God allows us to have in order for us to really be able to see His power at work in our lives!) We faced some familial struggles and hardships and I found myself sinking into a dark depression. I remember one night in particular when things were very hopeless in my mind. I could feel that darkness and heaviness of depression threatening to suffocate me. I didn't know how I could keep going on day after day. I just wanted to stop living. I was ready to be home in Heaven, but then I thought about my children. And there was no way I would ever put them through that. They have no idea how they have been my saving grace. God got me through that dark time, 5 years ago, as He always has and since then some things have inside me have changed. I still battle anxiety and am on meds for that but my outlooks have changed and I've grown mentally and spiritually. My one constant has and always will be my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that he loves me unconditionally and even when I struggle, He is there with me loving me through it.
Guess what though, I bet you could ask almost anyone at these various points in my life (especially the one 5 years ago) if they thought I was struggling or having a hard time and they would say no, maybe even "No Way! What does she have to struggle with?" Maybe I was really good, like most who struggle, with faking it. Maybe people didn't know the real me either because I didn't let that person show or they didn't take time. Maybe nobody ever took the time to really ask and care about the answer. Maybe some people were too busy I struggling themselves. Whatever the reason, I, like all who have suicidal thoughts, felt completely alone and absolutely terrified of opening up to anyone even if they did take the time to ask. And that is where we are as a society today. People are hurting. Let me say that again for anyone who thinks this is not a serious problem, PEOPLE ARE HURTING. And as the saying goes, hurting people, hurt people and the vicious cycle continues. This is where kindness and grace are so vitally important. We have become such an easily offended society, good at holding grudges, staying busy, distracted and void of real authentic human connections. What we all are in need of, is kindness. Reach out to people, remember to check in on your friends and family. Don't wait for them to contact you or get irritated that maybe you are the one doing most of the contacting. Just do it. Be willing to cross oceans for people, even those people who may not do the same for you. Stop justifying being unkind or rude to someone because of this that or the other. You DO NOT know what someone is going through, and never assume you do, so just be kind. If they are not kind, be kind anyway. If someone says or does something that you take offensively, unless it is life or death please forgive them and keep moving on. The scars from our words and actions to one another are building up and people are feeling more and more alone, afraid to reach out to anyone because they have been rejected or hurt in the past. If someone does feel safe enough with you to let their guard down and share their heart with you then please don't judge them, mock them, correct them or belittle them. Just listen and if you find that God puts something on your heart that is loving and encouraging then say that. If you don't have anything to say then just be present, just show up and keep showing up especially after they have opened their hearts to you. This is so important. From my own experience, the very few times I tried to be open and vulnerable and let people know how I was struggling, it was met with varying actions and words. Everything from belittlement, invalidation and judgment to completely distancing themselves from me. There have been times all I needed was for someone to show up, to care enough to be present with me through my struggle, to let me know I was not alone and I was cared about and loved. They didn't have to fix anything for me, just being there was enough. We will not have all the answers to people's problems, but we can listen. We can always take time to listen and then keep showing up.
Let's remove the stigma of needing medication or counseling. Thank goodness we live in a time where these resources are available to us! And if someone needs to be hospitalized to get through a particularly dark period, then let's support them through that and after that. If someone needs to seek help and is too afraid to do so alone, be willing to go with them and sit in the waiting room that first time. Nobody should ever be made to feel less than or judged because they are struggling with depression and suidical thoughts. We do not have to understand why they are feeling this way, it does not have to make sense to us in order for it to be real and be valid. Let's get the conversations going. Let's talk about this. Let's remove the stigmas. Let's shine the true Light and Love of Jesus into this dark world and be present for one another.
Suicide. That is the topic I have been feeling compelled to write about for months now. I heard this morning that suicide in America has risen by something like 33% since 1999 and that more than 47,000 Americans take their own lives every year. Every week I hear about another life gone too soon, or another person being admitted for suicidal thoughts or attempts. This tragedy is touching all groups of people and all the articles I read about how to help stop this is to start talking about it. So that's what I am doing.
I am absolutely no expert in this subject matter and I have no formal schooling in psychiatry so anything I say here comes from my own experiences and thoughts, nothing more nothing less. You see I have a history of anxiety and depression. It's something that runs in my family, on both sides. My battle with these relentless torturers began in elementary school, around the third grade. Long story short, I have always been "different" than the typical female and never felt like I fit in anywhere. (I later discovered in my 20s that I am an introvert! This revelation made so much difference in my life as I came to understand myself better and realize there are other people like me.) So here I was a quiet chubby child who didn't enjoy parties or big groups of people and didn't know another person who was like me, so in my adolescent mind, there was something wrong with me. This led to years of self-loathing and horrible self-esteem and an eating disorder in my teen years. Couple those feelings with being raised in a church environment where I felt like I had to be perfect in order for God to love me and that if I messed up he would punish me, I was a mess internally. This led me to some scary thoughts. Not so much that I wanted to kill myself, but I just didn't want to keep living with so much constant pressure and pain. I did get counseling and for the first time was able to see God as this loving and gracious God who loved me exactly like I was, all the flaws and imperfections and mess ups. Oh what freedom! Experiencing his amazing grace in such a real way for the first time was life changing and I remember promising him that if He ever blessed me with a daughter, Grace would be apart of her name. (My middle child's middle name is Grace!) This was not the last time I battled the darkness of depression, however. After I got married and had our first child, I developed Post Partum Depression. I remember the day my mom called the doctor to get me seen. I was trying to nurse my newborn with tears streaming down my face and I gazed without really seeing out the window. I remember the darkness of what was going through my mind. My mom took one look at me and made the call and my husband drove me. I began taking medication for PPD that day. I was able to come off those meds 6 months later. Skip ahead several years, and I found that while I no longer really had depression, I was struggling with daily generalized anxiety, and had been all my life really. I finally said, enough is enough and I cannot do this alone anymore. I sought help and was put back on some anxiety medication. That seemed to help for a while but alas my struggle wasn't over. (Spoiler alert, it's going to be a lifelong thing, one of those weaknesses God allows us to have in order for us to really be able to see His power at work in our lives!) We faced some familial struggles and hardships and I found myself sinking into a dark depression. I remember one night in particular when things were very hopeless in my mind. I could feel that darkness and heaviness of depression threatening to suffocate me. I didn't know how I could keep going on day after day. I just wanted to stop living. I was ready to be home in Heaven, but then I thought about my children. And there was no way I would ever put them through that. They have no idea how they have been my saving grace. God got me through that dark time, 5 years ago, as He always has and since then some things have inside me have changed. I still battle anxiety and am on meds for that but my outlooks have changed and I've grown mentally and spiritually. My one constant has and always will be my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that he loves me unconditionally and even when I struggle, He is there with me loving me through it.
Guess what though, I bet you could ask almost anyone at these various points in my life (especially the one 5 years ago) if they thought I was struggling or having a hard time and they would say no, maybe even "No Way! What does she have to struggle with?" Maybe I was really good, like most who struggle, with faking it. Maybe people didn't know the real me either because I didn't let that person show or they didn't take time. Maybe nobody ever took the time to really ask and care about the answer. Maybe some people were too busy I struggling themselves. Whatever the reason, I, like all who have suicidal thoughts, felt completely alone and absolutely terrified of opening up to anyone even if they did take the time to ask. And that is where we are as a society today. People are hurting. Let me say that again for anyone who thinks this is not a serious problem, PEOPLE ARE HURTING. And as the saying goes, hurting people, hurt people and the vicious cycle continues. This is where kindness and grace are so vitally important. We have become such an easily offended society, good at holding grudges, staying busy, distracted and void of real authentic human connections. What we all are in need of, is kindness. Reach out to people, remember to check in on your friends and family. Don't wait for them to contact you or get irritated that maybe you are the one doing most of the contacting. Just do it. Be willing to cross oceans for people, even those people who may not do the same for you. Stop justifying being unkind or rude to someone because of this that or the other. You DO NOT know what someone is going through, and never assume you do, so just be kind. If they are not kind, be kind anyway. If someone says or does something that you take offensively, unless it is life or death please forgive them and keep moving on. The scars from our words and actions to one another are building up and people are feeling more and more alone, afraid to reach out to anyone because they have been rejected or hurt in the past. If someone does feel safe enough with you to let their guard down and share their heart with you then please don't judge them, mock them, correct them or belittle them. Just listen and if you find that God puts something on your heart that is loving and encouraging then say that. If you don't have anything to say then just be present, just show up and keep showing up especially after they have opened their hearts to you. This is so important. From my own experience, the very few times I tried to be open and vulnerable and let people know how I was struggling, it was met with varying actions and words. Everything from belittlement, invalidation and judgment to completely distancing themselves from me. There have been times all I needed was for someone to show up, to care enough to be present with me through my struggle, to let me know I was not alone and I was cared about and loved. They didn't have to fix anything for me, just being there was enough. We will not have all the answers to people's problems, but we can listen. We can always take time to listen and then keep showing up.
Let's remove the stigma of needing medication or counseling. Thank goodness we live in a time where these resources are available to us! And if someone needs to be hospitalized to get through a particularly dark period, then let's support them through that and after that. If someone needs to seek help and is too afraid to do so alone, be willing to go with them and sit in the waiting room that first time. Nobody should ever be made to feel less than or judged because they are struggling with depression and suidical thoughts. We do not have to understand why they are feeling this way, it does not have to make sense to us in order for it to be real and be valid. Let's get the conversations going. Let's talk about this. Let's remove the stigmas. Let's shine the true Light and Love of Jesus into this dark world and be present for one another.
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