Learning to Love Myself

This blog post will be different than my previous ones and takes a lot of courage on my part to write as it gives those of you reading an inside view of one of my most personal lifelong struggles. I am a firm believer in being genuine with people and while not sharing everything with everyone, still allowing people to see the real parts of me.  The flawed parts, the parts that make me very much human and very much in need of my precious Savior Jesus Christ. People need to see both the triumphs AND the struggles.  This particular struggle runs deep and began during my young elementary school years.  I don't have an exact answer as to why this began when it did.  All I know is it has been a lifelong  battle, something I have to go to my Lord about so very often and now I feel, for some reason unbeknownst to me, that I am supposed to share this here.  Maybe it will help someone reading it know that they are not alone.  Maybe it will be the encouragement someone is desperately needing right now. Without further ado here is my story, my struggle and my triumph through God who has shown me such unfailing, unwavering, and unconditional love!

From an early age, probably around the age of 7 or 8, I began to struggle with my self esteem.  I have never been very outgoing, in fact I am 100% without a doubt a true blue introvert.  Group gatherings have always given me great anxiety and while I have learned how to deal with it as a grown up, it has always and still does leave me completely drained of all mental and physical energy to be in groups of people.  A "girls night out" which is energizing for most, leaves me completely drained.  (Don't get me wrong, I love a good girls night out with close friends!)  I happened to marry into large family and when we all get together there are close to 40 immediate family members-my husbands siblings and their spouses and children.  This has always been extremely taxing on my introverted self, to say the least.  I prefer one on one times with people and find great satisfaction in these types of interactions.  I need deep meaningful relationships and having too many acquaintances wears me out mentally.  I need time alone on a daily basis, like seriously need it to be able to function at my best.  And while I need alone time, I also need close relationships with people with whom I can be my true self and let down with and be accepted by in all my quirks and crazy introversion.  There are far fewer introverts than extroverts in this world and can leave those who are like myself feeling misunderstood and forgotten about more often than not.  Along with being an introvert, I have also battled bad body image issues from about the same age and then subsequent depression and anxiety that began in my teen years.  (I'm just a big bag of fun aren't I!)  I remember getting on the scale in 5th grade and realizing I weighed the same as my grown mother (she's a petite small lady so that wasn't hard to do).  That marked something in me that eventually spiraled out of control a few years later when I was 14 and I fell into a bad eating disorder which would have been the end of me had it not been for the grace of God and my parents never giving up on me.  I remember it was during the lowest point of this awful unhealthy weight loss that a grown woman, a friend of my moms told me she wanted to take me shopping for new clothes because I deserved new things since I had lost all that weight.  Those words and that action left a permanent scar on my life.  At that point I had lost over 70 pounds, was perpetually freezing and could barely function on the limited amount of calories and hours of exercise I was doing daily.  I had lost my monthly cycle because my body was in survival mode as I was starving myself and that woman rewarded me for this.  In my mind I was finally worth taking shopping.  The heavier plump me wasn't worth compliments or new clothes and that notion has stayed with me ever since.  I don't remember what exactly happened but I remember one night in my room I broke down and wept from deep in my soul and I knew I couldn't go on living like that anymore.  I found my mom and told her I wanted help and she got me in with a great Christian counselor who helped me see God's deep unconditional love for me and I truly experienced His grace for the first time.  (I had accepted Jesus as my personal Savior at age 5 while in kindergarten but had never really experienced his love like this before.)  

I wish I could say that I have been totally fine since those counselling sessions and have never had another issue with accepting and loving myself but that just isn't the case.  It's a personal struggle I go to battle with off and on.  I am a naturally heavier person, that is just the way God made me but this world doesn't treat those of us who don't fit into a certain shape or size very kindly.  We are always told we aren't good enough or we need to lose a few more pounds.  For someone who has struggled so deeply with body image and feeling worthless due to that very thing this world is a hard place to live in some days. And I wish I could say it was just the non believers of the world that make it hard.  It is not.  Christian women often times put more emphasis and importance on their outward appearance than anything else and I will tell you being around that kind of person is very difficult for me. It brings me back to that place of not being good enough, not being worthy of love and acceptance solely based on the fact that I am not thin and I have big ole thighs and plenty of cellulite and lots of soft squishy parts on my body.  I have tried very hard to learn to love myself, to accept the woman God has made me.  I exercise regularly, I eat a fairly balanced diet, just a little too much of it sometimes and I am a plus sized woman.  Guess what though, that is not who I am, that is just the size of clothing I wear.  I am a child of God who is loved unconditionally and fiercely, a sinner who has been forgiven through the blood of Jesus.  I am an only child of two pretty incredible parents!   I am the wife of a man who loves me so deeply and passionately and fully that He goes out of his way to make sure I know how loved I am, who has never stopped romancing me and doting on me and taking care of me and my tender heart.  (And who just so happens to think I am the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, no matter what size I wear or what parts jiggle.  And knowing I have been struggling with my body image pretty badly lately brought home a "You are beautiful" bouquet of flowers today!).  I am a mom to 3 amazing blessings from God, who never cease to melt my heart and amaze me. There are no words for the depth of my love for them.  I am one loyal dependable friend who loves fiercely and tries hard to make sure my friends know I am there for them and I truly care.  I am a good cook and writer.    I cannot sew or do much on a vehicle.  I can be needy but also love to be needed.  I am someone who feels things so deeply it hurts at times but I don't show those feelings outwardly because I want people to think I am stronger than I really am.  My favorite things are simple times with my family, the beach, coffee, a long heart to heart with a good friend, dates with my husband, laughs with my kids, sharing God's Word and promises with others, writing , and watching tv and movies.  A few of my guilty pleasures are video games and eating Nutella right from the jar and cussing (yes this God loving girl, cusses when nobody is around, well except for my husband because I rest fully in his love and acceptance of me).  I am a work in progress just like everyone of us.  I do not have it all figured out.  I try hard to put what I learn from Scripture into practice in my every day life.  I am deeply passionate about setting other women's hearts on fire for the Lord and seeing them find their true identities in Him as well.  He cares about what is on the inside, not the outside. He wants us to spend time getting in shape spiritually and then spurring on others to do the same.  I am learning to love the way God wants me to and that means learning to love myself.  I cannot fully love others until I love me, all parts of me.  I don't want to keep not loving me because it's basically telling God that He messed up when He made me and I know God makes no mistakes.  Knowing this fact and applying it to myself is where I am at currently and it's hard! While I am truly finding my identity in Christ, I still feel the pull of the old identity of finding my worth in my body image and fitting in.  God's love and grace are what will get me through this struggle.  He never gives up on us, no matter how long we take to arrive at the goal, no matter how many times we fall a few steps back or have to start at the beginning again.  His love is unconditional and never ending.  "Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.'  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."  2 Corinthians 12:9