A Wounded Filter

"Heal, so you can hear what's being said without the filter of your wound."

I read this yesterday and it stopped me in my mental tracks.  Immediately I thought about some recent scenarios where I have definitely processed what was said or done through a wounded filter.  I had something happen to me that caused me to lose my faith in friendship, in confidants, in being truly vulnerable with others.  It doesn't matter what happened, some things should remain private and not exposed for all of social media world to know.  However what happened most definitely caused some deep emotional wounds that I realized I have not fully healed from.  I have definitely moved on, to an extent, and have grown as a person because of it but I realized that I have built walls to protect myself from being hurt by others.

I filter what people tell me through this invisible wound and tell myself that I cannot trust them and that if I let my guard down with them they will end up hurting me.  My heart screams "NOOOO, don't let yourself be hurt again!" and I silently give in to that and keep everyone at arms length.  If I don't let anyone get close again, then I can never be hurt like I was hurt before.  This has been my unconscious way of thinking for awhile now.  I love being a safe place for others, a place where they can rest and share their burdens and be loved, but because I haven't fully healed from that past hurt, I can't let anyone even try to be that for me right not.  I must heal, I must be patient with myself and do what is necessary to heal from this so I can feel connected to others again, so I can be vulnerable and real.  

I know I am not alone in this.  Maybe you also have some past hurts that cut you deep that you haven't fully healed from.  Maybe you have present hurts that are causing fresh wounds and everything you hear or see is processed through that wounded filter.  First of all, it is okay!!  It is okay that you are not okay!!  You cannot rush healing.  It is going to take however long it's going to take.  The first step in the healing journey is to accept that you are wounded and because of this maybe aren't able to see things the way they really are.  Maybe you are taking things personally that aren't meant that way at all.  Maybe you are taking offense at something someone said when they didn't mean it that way at all.  Maybe right now you are extra sensitive and everything seems bigger than it is.  That's okay!  You're going to be okay!  So am I!  

Even once you are "healed" there may be scars that you will always carry with you.  Wounds and scars are different though.  Wounds hurt and if left unattended can fester and get worse and infect your body.  Scars are wounds that have been properly tended to, and no longer cause pain, but will forever be a reminder of something you have been through.  Emotional wounds can infect your heart and mind and cause you to do things and say things you wouldn't normally.  Once tended to and allowed to heal properly, the scars that remain will just be a reminder of what you went through and the lessons you learned.  So whatever it is that you need to heal from, take the time to do it properly.  Maybe it's seeing a counselor  who can help you process things in a healthy manner.  Maybe it's confronting something or someone.  Maybe it's finding closure.  Maybe it's a combination of all of these or something else all together.  Let God help you heal.  He is the almighty physician and knows us better than we know ourselves! One positive is that I have grown closer to the Lord because of this.  He has shown me what it means to fully depend on him and that no matter what He is always faithful and loving. I hope your healing journey makes you stronger and more at peace than you have ever been.  And remember it's a journey, not a sprint to the finish line!  Take your time and heal well!